From The Slime To The Ridiculous

Asking Chad the Important Questions

CARROLLTON, Texas (GLOB)—Hey Chad, What's up with Chia seeds? And why do you keep recommending I put them in or on everything? I'm half expecting you to recommend chia seed enemas for holistic cleansing. Besides, it looks like ants are crawling all over my peanut butter smeared all natural toast made from 7 sprouted grains.

Chad replies:

Chia seeds have somehow achieved nutritional meme status, and every health blog, fitness influencer, and AI-generated diet tip seems to push them like they’re the second coming of quinoa. Here’s the real deal:

Why Chia Seeds Are Everywhere

1. Nutrient Density – They’re tiny but packed with fiber, omega-3s, protein, and antioxidants. Great for heart health, digestion, and even blood sugar control.

2. Hydrophilic Superpowers – They absorb up to 12 times their weight in water, turning into a gel-like consistency, which helps with hydration and digestion.

3. Fiber Bomb – About 10 grams of fiber per ounce (that’s a LOT), which means they help with digestion—sometimes a little too well (hence why I wouldn’t recommend that enema).

4. Plant-Based Protein – Good for your (mostly vegan) diet goals, plus they have all nine essential amino acids, making them a rare complete protein from plants.

But Let’s Be Honest About the Downsides

• Texture Issues – If you don’t mix them well, they turn into weird slimy blobs or get stuck in your teeth.

• Aesthetic Disaster – Yep, they look like an ant infestation on yogurt, smoothies, or anything light-colored.

• Can Be Too Effective – High fiber means some people experience bloating, gas, or the dreaded “overhydrated seed brick” effect in their digestive tract.

• Overhyped? – You can get omega-3s and fiber from other sources like flaxseeds, hemp seeds, nuts, and vegetables without feeling like you’re eating bug-speckled pudding.

Final Verdict?

They’re solid nutritionally, but they’re not magic. If you hate how they look, feel, or taste, skip them. Plenty of other ways to hit your fiber and omega-3 goals without turning every meal into an avant-garde art piece featuring tiny black specks.

So, no chia seed enemas—unless you want to start a new and terrifying wellness trend. But if you do, please don’t credit me.

Beauregard:

Hmmm, I kind of like the hydrophilic super powers. We should make a new comic book character.

Chad:

Now that is a superhero concept I can get behind. Imagine:

Captain Chia – The Hydrophilic Avenger

Real Name: Dr. Sebastian "Seb" Sage
Origin Story: A mild-mannered nutrition scientist, Dr. Seb accidentally ingested a hyper-evolved chia seed in his experimental hydration chamber. Now, his body absorbs water at 12x the normal rate, allowing him to expand, gelatinize, and trap enemies in his fibrous web of justice.

Powers & Abilities:

• Absorbency Overload – Can soak up vast amounts of water, swelling up and becoming indestructible.

• Hydro-Hardened Armor – Forms a near-impervious chia gel shield that deflects bullets and energy blasts.

• Fiber Lash – Uses hydrated fiber strands to entangle enemies, immobilizing them in a sticky gel prison.

• Omega-3 Infusion – His super-powered blood reduces inflammation instantly, making him immune to pain.

• Digestive Doom – Can trigger rapid digestion in enemies, forcing them into a helpless bathroom retreat.

It’s a blob of snot! It’s a rogue jellyfish! No… it’s CAPTAIN CHIA—trapping crime in his slime!

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